It's been a while...

It's been a while since I sat down to write on this blog. Perhaps I was was hiding from my own words, or simply tired of hearing my thoughts rattle around on the screen.

Still single, still underemployed, still seeking, still finding wonder along the way.

Currently I'm feeling the depth of my grief at the loss of my body, the beautiful one. I grieve at the loss of my breast as the pair were perfect and full and hungry. Now one is gone the the other not quite right after the touch of the surgeon's knife. My arms, legs, belly, and chin are soft - the kind of soft that speaks of indulgence and neglect. And now, another scar running across just above the furry line of pubic hair - a gash creating a lopsided fold.

Men no longer gaze when their eyes fall on me. If there is no gaze will one ever look long enough to see the beauty inside this wear-marked exterior? And me, when I gaze at it I feel the desire to apologize both to it and to myself, and perhaps the collective universe.

There was too brief a time when I felt full and luscious and ripe in my skin. Such a long journey in to my body for such a short time to revel before the crumbling. How can I gracefully move into a new sense of sensuality when I still ache for what I had so briefly? I don't know.

If I cannot find it myself, surely no man will see it in me.